Happy Birthday, Audre Lorde

Many of you know my love for Audre Lorde. Those who don't know her, should, and those who do, know exactly why i love her. After reading many of Lorde's essays and poems in college i vowed to live my life as she would, never silent and always working towards something. In Lorde's words, “I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”

Audre Lorde's birthday was last week. I happened to miss it because i was interviewing for my top choice graduate program in Maryland. I thought she'd forgive me if she knew the work i intended to do if i gained admission to the program*. I also saw it as a good omen to be interviewing on her day of birth, symbolism like that is important to me and makes me believe in the interconnectedness of the world. I actually mentioned her to one of my interviewers, who knew exactly who Audre Lorde was. As soon as he and i connected on this, i knew this program was IT. I knew there was nowhere else i'd rather be.

After writing my last substantive post on my engagement and my ring i have been thinking a lot about silence and choices. I made the choice to "come clean" to the wonderful community i have found and fostered here on my blog, knowing i would face opposition. Since then i haven't written, i've stewed, i've considered, and i've gone back on forth on reactions/responses.

In another life i may have used silence to protect myself. I may have not shared my news and choice to get married for fear of being ostracized within the feminist community. Then i realized that all too often silence is used to maintain the status quo, to oppress individuals and communities, and to protect ourselves from progress and change.

There are many ways in which you "cannot" be a feminist, trying to fulfill all the requirements of a movement is daunting, exhausting, and takes the focus off the actual point: the issues, the activism, the community. I understand why several people were hurt by my post and I own my privilege/decision to marry. However, that backlash should not (and will not) stop me from further discussing my wedding plans here from a feminist perspective.

It will be a rough road to travel on, for many reasons including bruised egos and offended friends, but this is my story and i plan to share it as we write it. I want to keep my community involved in my life and disclose on here as much as i feel comfortable to. I think many feminists can relate to my insecurities of marriage in terms of patriarchy, sexism, and marriage inequity. For that i will continue discussing it and figuring things out as i go. I apologize if this offends anyone, but i do not apologize for not remaining silent as my partner and I struggle to figure out how to make a wedding and an egalitarian marriage work within a homophobic and unjust culture. We will work towards marriage equity in this country in our own ways, and work towards sharing the values of egalitarian relationships with anyone willing to listen.


*I'll be studying the effects of discrimination - racism, sexism, homophobia, etc - on mental health and examining empowerment and consciousness raising to decrease negative effects of oppression in a clinical psychology phd program.

Joining the Good Fight

I, too, would like to show solidarity to my dog loving sisters and join the doggie revolution! I'd like to introduce you to Beans, the second love of my life:

Here we have Beans doing his favorite thing, hiking:

Here is Beans on a hunger strike when UConn basketball lost last season:

"THE" Ring

I feel like i've been lying to you. Something big happened in my life a few weeks ago and i haven't yet shared it here. Dave and I have been together for 6 years and for the past 3 or so we've been debating the pros and cons of marriage. The pros included benefits like insurance, adoption, tax breaks, status as "next of kin," and the other 1,400+ legal rights given to heterosexual married couples in the United States. The cons included the inequity of marriage and feeling like we didn't need to prove anything to anyone about our relationship. We've often felt like, though we've been dating and living together longer than many married couples we knew, people didn't take our relationship as seriously since we weren't married. That's bullshit. But c'est la vie. Then in October the Connecticut Supreme Court ruled to equalize same sex marriage. Within minutes of reading the news my not-at-all-political mother called and said, "so does this mean you and David will finally get engaged?!" At the time i laughed it off, but i knew she was right, our families were jonsin for a wedding, and for babies. The wedding part we can handle, the babies they'd have to wait on. Though my brother and sister-in-law bought us some time by giving birth the the sweetest bundle of joy in the world, Judah, over the summer.

Dave and I got engaged January 1st. Besides being wonderfully happy to spend the rest of my life with the man i love, I am also excited to have a whole new world of wedding hoopla to explore, analyze, and write about! Discussing weddings from a feminist perspective will prove challenging. So here i'll start, at a good place as any, with the ever so important engagement ring... dun dun dunnnnnn

I think i figured out the formula to true marital happiness. The size of the ring = the size of his love for you. Right? Yea, i didn't think so either... but it's what they want us to believe.

The diamond industry is evil. But my dad is a jeweler. It's how he has made a living ever since we immigrated here from Russia in the 90's. Also, my great grandmother and grandmother both passed away and left me beautiful antique stones. I had little choice in the matter of a ring. I was getting one no matter how much i protest the symbolism.

Still, i need to be honest here. Though i wanted to show off my dad's talents and craft, i was very reluctant to wear a ring. I thought it would make me a hypocrite and all my feminist friends would disown me for it. I hate what engagement rings symbolize. The ownership, the "insurance" so he doesn't leave, the conflict diamonds, and everything else Feminist Finance mentions. Instead, i wanted a massage chair. This has been an ongoing conversation and i thought it unfair that i have to wear a symbol of ownership while Dave got his dream guitar as an engagement present from me. (See, now that you realize Dave got a kick-ass guitar all you couples that mocked our egalitarian relationship wish you'd changed your tune). I have always known i would get him his dream guitar when we decided to get hitched, because we should each get something substantial, not just me. So i wanted a massage chair. I wanted something expensive, that i wouldn't buy for myself, that i would love and use and appreciate. Something i couldn't wear on my finger, something that didn't symbolize ownership, something important to me. I realize my economic-privilege is showing here, i apologize for this.

A massage chair was out of the question. Like i said, my father is a jeweler. An amazingly talented, high fashion, well respected jeweler. I had to have a ring. Not just A ring but THE ring. Not having one was out of the question, so was the massage chair (couldn't we just gem-stone the hell out of the chair???) So if me wearing a ring was a nonnegotiable, i would have a say in this ring.

My ring is absolutely gorgeous. It's sparkly, it's unique, and most importantly it's meaningful. The center stone was my great grandmother's and the work is that of my father. I couldn't have asked for more from an engagement ring. Also, Dave is planning on wearing a wedding band throughout our engagement because my ring shouldn't represent i am "taken" while he is still "not." More the reason i love my feminist fiance.

But here's the catch: my ring was a size too big! So i am currently not wearing it while it is getting resized! Oh the horror!!! The first words out of everyone mouth as soon as D and I told them we are getting married were, "Congratulations! Let me see your ring." Or they'd automatically grab my left hand and pull it towards them. Or they stick out their hand, presenting their ring finger, expecting me to do the same as if i'm now a part of this exclusive girl's club. At first, before i can understand what was happening, i would stick out my hand too! When no ring was apparent their face would shift from excitement to disappointment, and then to pity. "Oh you poor thing," they'd think, "he doesn't love you enough to buy you a ring?" I never meant to offend anyone by not wearing my ring so i would quickly blurt out an apology, and that it's getting resized. They would let out a sigh of relief! "Thank god!" They'd think, "Thank god he loves you as much as that ring cost him!" But they never said that to me. Instead they demanded, "Send me pictures then!" I didn't. To be completely forthright, I only sent K a photo because she wouldn't let it go ;)

So what's with that? What if i don't want to be part of this exclusive girl's engagement ring club? What if my ring is incredibly special to me for so many reasons that have nothing to do with what the "engagement ring" symbolizes in America? What if i want to show my ring off, for what it means to me, but don't know how because of so much that is tied to it? What if engagement rings weren't linked to the amount of love = the amount spent on the ring? That's the exclusive girl's club i want to be a part of. The one where love is judged by commitment, honesty, and mutual respect. I've found some of that on OffBeatBride where i'm meeting more and more women in my position. Sick of what weddings have become and ready to reclaim what truly matters. Ready to be as unconventional, off-beat, non-traditional, and "tacky" as they want to be because it suits them and their relationships. Tip of the hat to you, ladies and gents, you're a pretty cool bunch :)

I apologize for the extremely heteronormative and classist post, i'm sure there will be more to come while we plan our wedding :/

EDIT: I read Feministing everyday, but somehow (and i have no idea how) i missed Jessica's engagement announcement! Check out her post and comment section, lot's of good stuff that i am struggling with as well.

Leaving for DC!!!

I am so sorry for my infrequent posts lately! For what it's worth, i'm working on a few great pieces including bullying among girls, future directions of the feminist movement, and tolerance.

BUT first thing's first: I AM LEAVING FOR D.C. TOMORROW MORNING!!! D and I are headed down to stay with my bestest friend, Jackie, for the week.

Will you be at the inauguration? What are your Obama celebration plans, in D.C. or otherwise?

If you see a freezing cold Russian girl in a red coat, say hello ;)

Favorite Feminist Quotes

I am following in Amelia's lead and asking for tattoo idea help ;) I'm looking to get another tat, this one i want to be text. What's your favorite feminist/equality quote? Or inspirational quote about equal rights, activism, strength, or progress...

I'm looking for something meaningful but on the shorter side, i can't tattoo a whole novel on my foot ;)

Leave your quotes and suggestions in comments!! Thanks in advance for your help :)

My Proud Lapel

Friday Feel Good: Halloween Baby Cuteness

I'm putting my disdain of FOX News on hold for today to bring you a photo of my baby nephew, Judah, and sister-in-law, Lindsay, featured on Janice Dean's Blog. Let's hope Judah's stint on FOX doesn't determine his future partisanship :)

Judah's dressed up as a little turkey, how cute is that?! :) The photos were taken at a "first Halloween" babies costume event that Lindsay organized. I am so proud of Linds who's been planning amazing events for the "summer moms of Park Slope" group. Really great things from baby CPR to meetings in the park. The group has grown to include over 80 new parents! Being a new parent can be just as daunting as it is exciting and having a social network to experience the ups and downs with is crucial. I'm so proud of Linds for providing this type of support to all the new parents involved! Other babies at the "first Halloween party" dressed as pea pods, lobsters, penguins, super baby, a free range chicken!

Happy Halloween :)

I considered going as Sarah Palin but decided that was far too scary, even for this holiday ;) Instead i'll be going as Angela from The Office, blond wig and all! (Though the only wig i could find was the "Hannah Montana" wig...)

Friday Feel Good: Season of Giving

(This should have been posted yesterday, sorry about that)

I heard on NPR this morning that groups who serve the community are especially struggling right now, since Americans are terrified to open their wallets to donations more than ever. I don't blame them, it's difficult to donate money to charity when you're not sure how much gas will cost tomorrow and whether you'll be able to pay your mortgage or rent this month.

I wanted to write a post about how good it feels to donate. Since starting my jewelry shop in August, I have been able to donate $200 to The Center for Women and Families of Eastern Fairfield County and am writing another check today for $150. Honestly, i couldn't do this out of my pocket. So i took up jewelry making. I donate 50% of my earnings to the organization and am incredibly grateful for all my costumers who purchase the jewelry knowing half their money will go to such a great cause. It enables me to engage in activism through giving money and also serves as a creative outlet. I love to craft so this really was a perfect match for me. I realize i'm shamelessly self promoting right now but i wanted to remind everyone to give, especially now, because there will always be someone out there who has less than you, no matter how little it is you have.

Please feel free to browse my shop for holiday gift ideas: designsbygalina.etsy.com :)

Where do you give, especially around the holidays? Do you donate money? Food? Your time?

Friday Feel Good: Celebrating ME! :)

Today is my birthday :) So i'm going to write about myself for a bit. I'm usually pretty modest but i wanted to take today to explain what i've been up to this summer, where i have disappeared lately, and why i won't be dedicating as much time as i wish i could to the blogosphere over the next few months.

I rarely disclose personal info here but i wanted to share a little so bear with me :) Firstly, as much as i love the fall, i can't let go of summer just yet so here are a few photos from my last few months.

Puerto Rico for the CPDD conference:

Michigan for family vacation:

Lots of camping with hot and tired puppies who needed to dig holes to stay cool :)

My nephew, Judah Asher, a few days after he was born :)

and me competing in and completing my first TRIATHLON! Swim, Bike, Run, FINISH!!!!

(yes i realize i need to get back into the weight room and start lifting again... i had to focus on lots and lots of cardio the past few months for training but i can't wait to bulk up a bit more again!)

Ok... Did you feel like you were watching your grandparents' slide show of an old family vacation?

This fall will be tough. I am working on applying to graduate schools - specifically ones that are in line with the work i hope to do within activism. It has been difficult to find faculty that conduct feminist research or research from a feminist perspective and conventional clinical psychology programs have not been too welcoming of my interests. I'm looking for programs committed to multiculturalism and diversity and ones that examine discrimination's effects on mental health and well being. Hopefully i will find a great fit and be in a whole new place in my life next fall.

Thanks for bearing with me as i blog less over the next few months, i promise i will be back on my game in January, once the application process is over. Don't worry though, my Google Reader is always on and i will be keeping up with all of your blogs!

Now back to the presidential debates (what a fun way to celebrate my birthday! haha) My favorite thing so far has been watching McCain fumble over any non-English word/name he tries to say...

Crafts, Triathlons, and BBC Radio :)

I'm alive, i swear :) Sorry i disappeared for a bit - i've had a number of things going on which i will share with you now:

Firstly, i started an Etsy shop!! For those of you unfamiliar with Etsy, it's a kickass site that allows you to buy and sell anything and everything homemade! I know for sure i'll be doing all my holiday shopping there this year because i am all about supporting follow artists as well as staying out of the malls during those busy weekends :)

I originally began making jewelry as a way to raise money for a local women's shelter - The Center for Women and Families. It was successful last year between Thanksgiving and the New Year when people felt generous but aside from that i did not have a venue to show and sell, thus to raise money. Etsy gave me the opportunity to set up an online shop where i can display, sell, buy, etc. I will be donating 50% of my earnings to the shelter so when people purchase from my shop they aren't just supporting me but also the health and safety of women and children in Connecticut. I write this not to drum-up business but so everyone knows where their money is going :) It's been such a blast already and a great online community of crafters! I must admit i have only sold one thing so far and i don't know how excited CWFEFC will be to receive a check for $3 but hey, every bit counts! I have been working on that like crazy over the past few weeks and wanted to share.

Second, as many of you know, i'm training for a triathlon... it's very soon (Sept 14th) and i'm freaking out a bit. I had a brief incident (mishap...) with a river last weekend but other than that, it's been smooth sailing. As long as there is no seaweed (my arch nemesis) in the river of the actual event, we'll be all set... i'll have more after the event, for now, send me fast and strong vibes :)

Lastly, I was on BBC's WORLD Have Your Say radio program this afternoon speaking on sexual harassment. The question was "how should women react to sexual harassment?" Although i didn't get nearly enough talk time, it was an interesting conversation to be apart of. Check out their blog and the discussion going on there at WHYS, there are over 300 responses so far! They contacted me via HollaBackCT and asked if i'd be the US speaker in the group. It was actually me and Dr. Pickman from NY representing America :) You can listed to the segment here, through podcast under WHYS: Sexual Harassment. It's a really interesting conversation that brings attention to harassment across the globe and gives voice to women who experience and combat harassment daily. The whole piece is worth checking out but if you're looking for me, i'm only on between 25:55 - 29:40 :)

I wish i had more time to talk. I would have said lots of things starting with the importance and necessity of having these conversations and bringing harassment to light. Too much of the time harassment goes unnoticed or ignored, leaving the target powerless and confused. Harassment is about power, not about sexual attraction. The host asked me if i would be offended if was a coworker of mine and whistled at me during work... um, i don't think it's ever appropriate to whistle at people, especially in a professional setting but him feeling he had the right to do so sets up a power dynamic where he is dominant. I've talked to women around the world who, no matter how they were dressed or what they looked like, have been harassed. Putting the responsibility onto the women to change her appearance will not stop harassment (as some of the callers on the show suggested). What it will do is set up an atmosphere of victim blaming. In my opinion, i don't think women should have to change their behavioral because of others' inability to treat them with respect.

Someone on the segment mentioned that when women dress a certain way, men's "hormonal impulses are triggered" and they can't help themselves. I think that's bogus. That doesn't give men any credit for the ability to control themselves. I know many hetero men that are respectful to women and would never blame their hormonal impulses for an inappropriate response.

The host also asked questions specifically about how women should respond to sexual harassment. One guest on the show mentioned she would "smack" the guy. I don't know if i'd go that far... the host loved her answer because it was so extreme and went around to the group to find out if others thought physical violence was the answer... There are certainly other ways of handling harassment. For example, a tourist in New Zealand was so frustrated by whistles and cat-calls that she was receiving from a group of men repairing on a road that she proceeded to strip out of all her clothes. The police did not approve of her response to the harassment and apprehended her saying that her actions were, "inappropriate in New Zealand" (but apparently it isn't inappropriate to whistle at and cat-call a perfect stranger...) I think asking about appropriate responses neglects context. An appropriate response for an American woman is completely different than one for a woman in Saudi Arabia where women have much fewer rights. Feeling safe is also a consideration. An appropriate response has a lot to do with how safe the target feels to report it or take action, and again, this varies through communities, countries, ethnicities, etc. What are your thoughts?

Check out the segment and pass along the online shop to anyone you think would be interested :)
That's what i've been up to, what have you been busy with these past few weeks?

Happy September everyone!! :)

Friday Feel Good: Biking to Work

Today was my first attempt at biking to work. On Fridays i work at a different clinic which happens to be about 8 miles from home. This gives me a great opportunity to kill a few birds with one cycling stone. I can get in my biking hours for my tri training, save on gas/money, and be environmentally friendly. Here are the things i learned today:


1. I need a bell
2. Although i'm sure bugs are protein-full, they aren't very tasty...
3. People are not careful drivers and don't like to share the road with bikes
4. My hybrid (that i bitched and bitched about not being fast enough) is perfect for biking to work, had i been on a road bike i would probably have been dead because New Haven roads are in terrible condition.
5. Bringing a change of clothes is key if I want to remain likable at work :)
6. If i thought getting cat-called while running was annoying i knew nothing until today... holy crap
7. It only takes me 10 more minutes to bike to/from work than drive!

I think that's all... if you're gonna bike this weekend, have fun and be careful! :)

Michigan Sunset

I hate to do this again but posting will be slow (as in nonexistent) over the next week. Same with comment moderation. This time i'll be on vacation in Michigan. My partner's family does an annual reunion and this will be my 4th year joining them :)

They have a no TV, no internet rule.

I'm a stickler for rules... I'll miss you all :)

But the sunset there sure is gorgeous...

Home Sweet Home

I guess the blogosphere doesn't stop while i'm away... Damn... the world doesn't revolve around me after all... haha

I have SO many amazing posts to catch up on. Lots has been written this past week and i can't wait to get to it all. Please feel free to link in comments to your favorite thing written last week (by you or others), this will give me some sort of structure :)

Me? I had an amazing time at CPDD! I learned tons and felt incredibly privileged all week for the opportunity to go to this conference and get to meet ridiculously brilliant researchers doing terrific work in the field of substance abuse.

For now, i'll leave you with a photo of my favorite pastime from last week - while i was on break from conference meetings, of course ;)

A New Sense of Patriotism

Quote of the day goes to Melissa from Shakesville:

[Obama's race] matters.

In a big fucking way.

Not just to people of color who are vulnerable, who were targeted or abandoned by the Bush administration, but to all people of color, the daughters and sons of wealth who are told they can be anything they want but have known it's not quite true. It matters to them. And it matters to white racists (though they don't know it yet, or care), and it matters to white allies of people of color, all of whom need and want to see a person of color leading this diverse nation at long last.

(emphasis mine)

I finally feel patriotic. And that is a really big deal to me.

I wasn't born in America. My family immigrated here from Russia as soon as the transitioning Russian government opened it's doors to Jews. We needed to get the hell out of there, asap. So we came here, to the land of opportunity. And until i knew better, that is exactly how I, a 7 year old foreign kid standing in Walmart surrounded by aisles of Barbies and Tonka Trucks, saw America. My parents are Republicans. My father listens to, and quotes daily, Right-Wing Radio. I was indoctrinated with "what America means" and the "opportunity i have been given" ever since i came to this country. I am not ungrateful. I realized then and realize now how lucky my brother and i were to grow up in America. But i also quickly realized what that actually meant as soon as i went to college. I stopped kidding myself about being a Republican, took up Women's Studies, and snapped out of the idealistic notion of a country i quickly realized was a sham.

Don't call me ungrateful. Just listen.

I finally saw America for what is was: racist, homophobic, classist, materialistic, wasteful, hateful, ageist, ableist, and unjust. Lead by "elected" official after elected official who looked exactly the same (and quite frankly, made the exact same decisions that were as progressive as my pinky toe.) They didn't represent me and didn't represent the America i grew to know, study, and slowly understand.

Fine, call me jaded. Call me an Anarchist, a radical, a communist, whatever. I am only being realistic in what i saw once i opened my eyes and finally started critically thinking about this land of opportunity that my parents brought me up to appreciate. If my dad reads this he'll probably disown me, or roll his eyes like he does on a regular basis when these topics come up.

Here's the truth: America was and is an incredible opportunity for my brother and me. We're white. We're Jewish. We had a strong support network as soon as we stepped foot in JFK Airport. Not all immigrants are that privileged. My dad will say, "if they just worked as hard as we did," "if they just stopped being lazy," "if they just get off well fare and find jobs," "if they, if they, if they." No. Stop. There is no fucking they. There is us and we are all one nation. My family was incredibly privileged. Many people are not as lucky as we were/are. Yes, what my parents did was amazing and i'm not downplaying their achievements (they just bought their first house last year!) all i'm saying is they did it with a lot of support, privilege, and opportunity that not everyone is granted.

So this long introduction brings me to my post:

Thanks to Obama, I finally feel patriotic. I finally feel hopeful. I finally identify with the America i always thought it could be. The America i saw before i learned to see it with a critical eye. The America i am hopeful it will slowly but surely become.

I'm finally patriotic because there will be a president soon that is representative of our nation. One whose platform is based on issues that I care about. One who works towards peace, justice, and equality. One who values collaboration. One who is progressive and a forward thinker. One who realizes the importance of comprehensive sex education. One who values diversity. One who understands class issues and America's impact on the global economy. One who supports Roe v. Wade. One who won't leave a child behind and is committed -truly committed- to education. One who believes love makes a family. One who understands the need for energy independence. One who's ethical. One who's unafraid to tackle serious issues like health care and immigration. One who stands strong with Israel. One who has a plan to bring our troops home from Iraq. One who's been a "lifelong advocate for the poor." And especially, i'll repeat, one who represents our nation. Not just because he is a person of color or mixed race (though I can't deny that his skin has a lot to do with it) but also because of all the hope, change, and opportunity that he represents.

When Obama is elected president i will finally no longer be embarrassed to let people know i am an American when i travel.

So thanks, Obama, for instilling a new sense of patriotism and hope in me.

Self Love

This post was partially inspired by Dirty Rotten Feminist's Sunday night question: "what are you vain about?" and thus i must give her credit ;)

Today's post is a positive one, leading up to a personal experience I wanted to share with all of you, however vain or insignificant it may seem. It's the experience of how I came to love my body.

I work out, regularly. Have done so for the majority of my life. I have recently begun training for a triathlon that I will complete in September. I belong to a gym with a pool for which I pay way too much money. I realize i'm privileged by this but it's the money I pay every month that helps motivate me to get my ass in gear and not miss workouts. I, unlike lots of people, love exercise. I love using my body and taking advantage of all the things it can do. I love feeling powerful and strong and challenging myself in physical ways. It isn't about looking a certain way anymore. I wasn't always this forward thinking. When I was younger, I would exercise despairingly, desperately trying to fit into some unattainable standard of beauty that was burned into my brain by fashion magazines and the popular girls. As an adult, my relationship with my body and the concept of "beauty" and "sexiness" has slowly developed, but we all struggle with our daemons and this has always been one for me, until recently that is...

Over the past year I have noticed a woman at my gym. She is gorgeous. She is fit. She is powerful (can lift more weight than half the men). I watch her perfect abs glisten with sweat and she stretches, or run, or bikes, whatever. She is perfect. Or at least as close to my perception of "perfect" as i'll ever see.

I've been watching her for months, mustering up the courage to talk to her, to tell her that she motivates me daily. Literally, I stay on the treadmill longer and lift heavier weights if she's around. Unknowingly, she pushes me and I thank her for it daily. Fast forward to yesterday: I walk into my regular Wednesday night spin class and she's there, on the instructor bike, gearing up to sub! The class was great and finally gave me an excuse to talk to her. I asked her some trivial question about her cycling shoes and we got to talking a bit. During the conversation she told me that i was in great shape and had done really well in her class. Me! Coming from her! I wanted to shake her and tell her that i've been watching her for the past year, that she inspires me, that i look up to her, that i think she's gorgeous, that i may have a crush on her, but i didn't tell her any of that. I simply smiled and thanked her. I remembered why i loved my body and that it was nice to be noticed for working hard and staying focused.

When did I start loving my body? I remember the moment vividly. It was Sunday morning and i got up early for yoga. I finally got into a routine of going weekly and hadn't let myself skip a class in 5 weeks. I was finally starting to see improvement in my poses. I was getting good, balanced, and i couldn't believe it. That Sunday i woke up extra early and decided to go for a quick run before class. I got to class just as the instructor was starting and the room was more full than usual. I wasn't able to secure my regular spot in the back of the room (where i could be unnoticed). I was forced to put my mat down in the front right side of the room, surrounded by mirrors. There was no hiding now, i had a mirror in front of me and one to the side. I felt like everyone was watching me downward dog. Ok, I'm sure they weren't. But i did get paranoid surrounded by all those mirrors. Until finally, something clicked. As I glimpsed in the mirror through the Adho Mukha Svanasana triangle created by my arms, torso, and legs I saw the perfect lines of my body as they contorted in the poses i've been working on for months.

I noticed the muscles on my back and shoulders tighten to hold the pose. I watched as they glistened with sweat. I became obsessed with watching myself glide into the poses. In that moment, I became completely vain! I was never one to spend much time in front of the mirror. This was all very new to me, and I loved it.

I especially loved what my body could do. The strength I had to hold myself up and the balance and flexibility to maintain the poses. That's when i realized it: i loved my body. I loved the strength and power my body had and the facility with which i could use it. I loved the lines created by my arms and shoulder muscles and the endurance and awareness i had from using my body regularly. I had done it, I had achieved one of my life goals, to love my body. I never thought this was possible, I was the girl eating nothing but clementines for weeks at a time during high school. I was the girl running 10 miles a day, on a treadmill, getting nowhere (literally and mentally). I was the girl studying body image and feminism in college, trying to convince myself to love my body. I was a hypocrite. And I hated myself for that. But finally, that morning in yoga, over a decade after my battle with my body began, something clicked and i fell in love with it.

I continued the class, sweaty from my run, obsessed with my body in the mirror, giving in to all the poses. Breathing. Relaxing. Challenging myself. It was wonderful. I gracefully moved through the warrior poses into locust, camel, cobra... I had control, I was focused, I felt strong. The class ended, but the feelings of euphoria and self-love that i felt that morning stayed with me, and hopefully will remain for a long, long time.

(no, that is not me in the photo, i just loved the image: the mountains, the water, the cowgirl hat... awesome shot)

Is your Nalgene Making you Sick?

I got back yesterday from a 3 mile run with Beans, and like i do on any other occasion, downed lots of water from my Nalgene. I've been using my Nalgene bottle since fall of 2003 when i decided to be more conscious of my carbon footprint and quit buying single use plastic bottles due to their impact on our growing waste problem.

D will attest to the fact that i'm always nauseous. I always complain about feeling like i'm going to throw up, but i rarely do. Until yesterday. I managed to puke up what i image was about 32 ounces of water... all the water i drank out of my Nalgene an hour prior. Is this a coincidence? I don't know. All i know is I felt sick, all i had to eat until that point was matzah brei, jam, and water... water out of my Nalgene...

Apparently there has been lots of research done recently on the harmful effects of reusing plastic bottles, including and especially, Nalgene bottles. What one study found:

"A study that involved researching birth defects and developmental abnormalities that caused miscarriages in mice raised the suspicions on all polycarbonate plastics. The study revealed a sudden increase in aneuploidy, a defect consisting of abnormal loss or gain of chromosomes, which in humans could possibly lead to miscarriages or disorders such as Down Syndrome.

The spontaneous jump in mouse aneuploidy was traced back to a lab worker, who used a strong detergent to clean the mice cages and water bottles. The effects of the detergent resulted in the plastic attaching itself to bisphenol, a chemical that mimics the female hormone estrogen.
Research has shown that low BPA levels have had an adverse effect on prostate development, tumors, breast tissue development, sperm count and enlargement of fat cells in the body.

Scientists have warned against allowing any polycarbonate plastics near your food or water and stated the devastating effects of these chemicals posed the biggest risk to babies during early development. Despite the warnings, polycarbonate plastics continue to be used in a wide variety of products including food storage cans, dental sealants and the Nalgene Lexan bottles."

On one hand i thought there was enough evidence and conversation both ways, lots of people don't think that reusing plastic is harmful. On the other, this discovery was serious enough to cause California legislation to consider passing a bill that bans Bisphenol A (the specific compound used in Nalgene bottles) from children's toys, pacifiers, and bottles.

The other thing about me that lots of people don't know is i'm not the cleanest person. I mean, sure i bathe (although not regularly enough, as my college roommates used to joke lol) and brush my teeth every day, but when it comes to keeping things clean and orderly, I'm not your gal. In fact, what scares me about this is i don't think i've washed my Nalgene more than a dozen times in the few years i've had it. Ok ok I know that's gross and it's another reason I quickly threw the bottle out yesterday as i realized this might have been the cause of all that vomit... Especially since one post says to change bottles when the writing starts to fade. Instead, when the writing started to fade on my Nalgene, i put stickers on the bottle. When the stickers started to fade, i put new stickers over them... i think this was a long time coming haha.

Am i overreacting here? I'm not sure... but with all this talk of the harmful bacteria, toxins, and brain damage, i am a bit scared for my health...

Any thoughts other than it's time for me to get a SIGG bottle? ;)

An Orange on the Seder Plate

Saturday night marked the start of Passover. For us Jews, Passover means staring at a set table for an hour while going through the Seder, eating incredibly gross looking gefilte fish, and not being allowed to eat any fermented grain products for a week (ie bread, pasta, grain alcohol, anything leavened, etc). Passover also means retelling the story of the Israelites' Exodus from Egypt, matzah-ball soup (yum!), remembering back to the days we searched for, found, and got payed for finding the Afikomen, sharing laughs and songs with family and friends, and eating and drinking, a lot. The message of Passover is freedom and ending of persecution, this is a message not unique to the Jews but rather one we should all share and strive for. Passover is the festival of freedom and as such, i write about it here.

I spent the first night of Passover at my parents' house. My mom always makes enough food to feed a small army, even though there are usually no more than a dozen guests. It's an ongoing joke that after everyone is fed, one of the wise-ass children says to my mom, "I am still hungry, maybe we can order a pizza?" No one leaves hungry and no one leaves empty handed. Dinner at my parents' house is always a feast, full of delicious traditional Russian food, good compay, and a little political controversy (they're mostly Republicans... i know, i know) ;)

D and I attended Second Seder at my brother and sister-in-law's new place in Brooklyn :) They recently moved and we were their first house guests! We had an amazing time taking the puppies to swim and play in at the dog beach in Prospect Park and absolutely fell in love with their house! NYC was wonderful but Brooklyn is just as good PLUS so much more spacious, green, and family oriented. Oh and Beans met his twin at the dog run, it was uncanny how similar he and Henry the Beagle/Pit bull mix looked.

Ok, i'll finally get to the feminist part is all this :) I swear it's all sort of relevant! I had the wonderful honor of bringing the orange this year for my brother and sister-in-law's Seder. And here, in the story of the orange, lies the feminist relevance to my ramblings.

Susannah Heschel, a leading feminist scholar, is the woman responsible for popularizing the custom of an orange on the Seder plate. The story goes that during one of Susannah Heschel's lectures at a synagogue in Miami, an elderly rabbi stood up and said, "A woman belongs on the bimah like an orange belongs on the Seder plate." "To show support for the changing role of women in American Jewish society, the tradition of placing an orange on the Seder plate began, and Heschel became a household name at many Passover celebrations around the globe."

But don't be fooled... this isn't the actual story of the orange. In the early 80's a feminist Haggadah instructed that Jews place a crust of bread on the Seder plate to represent marginalized Jews, particularly Jewish lesbians and gay men, in the Jewish community. Although Heschel liked the notion of reintroducing oppressed groups into Passover, she did not agree that the symbol should be bread. Heschel felt that by putting bread on the Seder plate we would be indicating that gay men and women are violating Judaism like leavened foods (the bread) violate Passover. Heschel instead chose an orange to symbolize the inclusion of gays and lesbians (as well as others who are marginalized and oppressed within Jewish law and tradition). Heschel chose an orange for two reasons: 1. to symbolize the "fruitfulness of all Jews" (aka it's better when EVERYONE gets a chance to participate, and everyone benefits when all are included) and 2. the seeds, as they are spit out, act as a symbol of the homophobia and discrimination we are protesting.

Additionally, Heschel was more than a bit (rightfully) peeved when the story about the elderly male rabbi began to circulate because (she writes) "somehow the typical patriarchal maneuver occurred: My idea of an orange and my intention of affirming lesbians and gay men were transformed. Now the story circulates that a man said to me that a woman belongs on the bimah as an orange on the seder plate. A woman's words are attributed to a man, and the affirmation of lesbians and gay men is erased. Isn't that precisely what's happened over the centuries to women's ideas?"

Next year, don't forget to bring an orange to Seder and especially to talk about the importance of including and celebrating all people in religion and traditions.

New Year's Goals...

Not resolutions, not resolutions!
(resolutions have no chance of sticking, at least i have a shot with "goals")

I realize i'm a bit late on this one seeing as it's mid-January but i wanted to jot a few things down in writing to hold myself accountable ;)

Goals for 2008:

1. Be more patient. Towards my partner, towards our puppy, towards others, towards myself. This includes not jumping down people's throats when i disagree with them, having more patience with my clients (recovery is a disease of relapse and i have to understand that,) and being more patient with myself, allowing myself time to achieve my goals.


2. Master the Bakasana (Crow Pose) and start working on the Vrischika-asana (Scorpion Pose)


3. Relinquish control regarding grad school. It will happen. And when it does, it will be the right place and time for me. And i will do research that works for the community, marginalized groups, and activism. It will be awesome.
   


4. Complete a triathlon. I chickened out on the swimming last year. I gotta get my butt in a bathing suit, in a pool, and start kicking...


5. Reconnect with friends. Being an adult is not conducive to maintaining relationships... It was so much easier in college when friends were constantly around and relationships didn't take much work. This all changed post graduation, when everyone scattered about the U.S. Now it's time for me to step up and hold on to the people that mean the world to me. I need to let those close to me know how much i value their friendship and invest more time and energy in maintaining the amazing group of friends I've developed.


6. More activism! Again, college makes it easy to protest, campaign, and generally be an activist. This year i hope to surround myself with others that are as passionate about social change as i am and start doing, not just talking.


7. Let go. There are still a few grudges I need to let go of. My goal is to find the balance of forgiveness and let go - for me, not for those who hurt me.


8. Paint more, and with brighter colors.


9. Find more time for family. With the possibility of a 6 year ph.d. program around the corner, i need to take advantage of the next few months to spend with family, while I'm close to home.


10. [insert #10 here] :)

What are some of your 2008 goals, and have you been successful so far?

Introspective Blog-O-Drama

I learned two things about myself today:

1. I am rude.
2. I quickly go into defensive mode.

Ok so the first is not actually true. I am not really rude, just perceived as rude. This, like many other personality traits, work as a dichotomy for men and women. When men fervently express their opinions or stick up for their political beliefs, they are considered intellectual and passionate. However, when women express their opinions in the same manner, it is perceived as either a. rude or b. overly emotional. I tend to take on a lot of male personality traits, (not on purpose, it’s just who I am) and am constantly bombarded with messages of how to act more feminine. People think I am bitchy or standoffish based on my strength and candor whereas I would wager bets that if men acted in the same manner, they would never be perceived this way because it is normal and expected for men to be strong and blunt. On a less personal level, this is frustrating especially when examining critiques of Hillary Clinton. I will refrain from saying who I support in this election for now, but I will say that I am getting exceedingly annoyed by people saying that Clinton is too masculine and not sensitive enough when just a few months ago the problem was that a female president would be too emotional. I mean, Holy Shit, what if she decides to go to war because she is PMSing! Give me a fucking break. Same thing goes for the whole Obama isn’t “black enough” bull shit. People who spew this nonsense need to start focusing on the real issues.

Back to blog-o-drama, #2: quickly going into defensive mode. This statement is actually pretty accurate. I, like a lot of feminists I know, quickly go into defensive mode as soon as our point of view is threatened. I can’t speak for other feminists but with me this is all part of a great big “my whole family is conservative and loud” problem that I need to start working on. I grew up in a Republican, immigrant, family who literally lived the “from rags to riches story” (a-whole-nother blog in itself…) My first women’s studies lecture in college opened my eyes to a world of knowledge where for once in my life I felt like I politically belonged. (for those of you who don’t know me, embrace this emotional gal because it is a rare form to see me in...) Needless to say, coming home for my first visit post WS was an interesting slew of arguments and debates. Long story short, I have always needed to defend my views, thus myself. I have become so much a part of the things I stand for that first instinct is always to jump in with a defense. Not only because (if) I feel threatened but also because I see it as an opportunity for education. I know not everyone wants to be “taught” and most who already have their minds set up don’t even consider it a lesson, still, my instinct is to take the chance and show the other side, the brighter side, the more progressive side, the EQUAL side, etc. We have one life on this planet, why not make the best of it for ourselves AND for our brothers and sisters? Maybe I am taking this all too personally? Truth is, I don’t think that’s the case because